Thursday, May 8, 2014
In response to the previous post on close families
I have done a lot of thinking and studying about this over the past 6 months (It's the social worker in me). Funny the question should be brought up. Here's my answer:
A family's group relationship and the intrapersonal relationships that occur within that group are two different things, although they do effect each other, they are not mutually exclusive. Also the definition of "close" is very subjective. How I view close may be completely different than what someone else feels is close based on personality, personal experiences, and our opinions created from the comparison of other family units we see.
A family group relationship is one viewed as a whole. Do we hold regular family reunions? Do we try to establish communications as a whole? Do we celebrate and understand our heritage? Does everyone in the family participate in such said activities? The type of strength our family group has depends on the willingness of family members to participate or not participate in these areas.
Intrapersonal relationships between adult siblings can fit into several categories which can span from intimate, to loyal, to congenial, to apathetic, to hostile.
A relationship is based on the fact that both parties are receiving something from it and giving something to it. For example, one would not have a friendship if that relationship was not helpful to them. We all glean something from our relationships from others whether it be self- validation, companionship, physical help, emotional support, etc. If you are not receiving anything from a relationship, it will not arise or even survive. A sibling relationship cannot grow if neither person is getting anything from it.
One might ask, what would be the point of trying to have a relationship with a sibling if we have nothing to offer each other? How can we offer anything to each other if we are hundreds of miles away? How can a brother and sister have a relationship when there is nothing in common to hold onto? What would be the point? These are all questions we need to ponder.
My observation is, that those intrapersonal relationships within our family have developed between certain siblings because they have found something to offer each other. Found is the key word. First, communication had to happen in order for the finding to begin.
All of this said, now to my opinion:
I think we have a strong family group relationship. It could be stronger, however, if all parties had a desire for it to be so and made it a priority to participate in the family blog, group texts, and family reunions. You will find that actively participating in and being a part of any type of group is very satisfying.
I cannot speak for any other intrapersonal relationships in our family except for my own, although I know they exist.
The intrapersonal relationships I have with most of my siblings would be categorized somewhere in between loyal and congenial. Some siblings are easier for me to talk to than others because of their personalities and the things we have in common. I do desire a deeper relationship with all my brothers and sisters and get frustrated that it's not that way.
In conclusion, I feel that a family's ultimate closeness may rely on the head of household's desire to foster it. Each adult child needs to have their parents reaching out to them on a regular basis (even though a child might not convey that desire). I also feel that each member of the family has a responsibility to foster their intrapersonal relationships with each other if a closer family is the goal we are reaching for.
I love you all collectively and individually.
-Steph-
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That was pretty much incredible.
ReplyDeleteSo after reading the comments and posts, my feelings are an amalgamation of everything said. I feel like for individuals in the family to feel close, they need to know what is going on in each other's lives. Not only that, they need to actually care and have an emotional relationship with that person. People need to talk to each other, and communicate at least semi-regularly. One point that I think is important that hasn't been said yet is that this needs to be a mutual thing. Closeness is not a one-way street. Both parties need to show they care and put forth an effort to develop the relationship. As Steph said, if one doesn't feel like they are getting anything out of the relationship, it won't grow. One person initiating all communication would lead to this feeling.
ReplyDeleteAs for the family group, I agree with Steph. I feel like it depends largely on each unit's dedication to the family group as a whole. Getting together for family events, posting and commenting on the blogs, etc. Each individual needs to be willing to sacrifice to make those things a priority.
So as to how we are, I agree with Steph on the family relationship. I think we are doing relatively well but I think we can all (myself included) put forth more effort to participate on the blogs, go to family events, etc. etc. The second we quit making those things a priority, the group dynamic will fail.
As for my individual relationships with my siblings, I have felt for some time that things have been lacking. Using Steph's scale, I would put almost all of my individual relationships at "congenial." This is mostly due to the fact that I feel like I am the one putting forth most of the effort as far as communication goes. I initiate literally 99% of all communication I have with everyone in the family, which I must admit has often left me feeling as though others do not rank communication and that relationship as a priority. I have often even felt I was an annoyance trying to talk to people so much without reciprocation. The lack of mutual communication, I feel, has hindered the depth of my relationship with the family.
Now I am not trying to do any guilt trip, I just want others to know how I feel. I would love a deep relationship with everyone in the family. If you can't have a deep relationship with your siblings and parents, who can you have it with? (Besides wife and kids)
But I also know that my expectations are likely too high. I know everyone has a family, and are very busy working on those relationships. Those are the most important ones.
Anyway, just puttin that out there. Sorry if my words seem sharp. They are not intended to, but just to express how I feel. Love you all!
I think about each and one of you on a regular basis. There hasn't been a day gone by that I don't think about Jen and her awsome move to Idaho Falls that she has wanted for years, or Alisha and how she is doing with her children and job and her husband, or Jeff and wondering if he's got any new coins or how he is doing on his cello or if he's preparing for Halloween already, or Greg and his new house and his Annabell's speech and if they got a fence around the pool, or Mike and his new kitty and all the projects he's doing and all the yummy things his wife makes him, and being so excite for BJ because he's going to be a Dad next month and he has a new house and all the fun "firsts" they are having.
ReplyDeleteI think that I take if for granted that my siblings are always there. Or Mom and Dad in the freedoms that are so new to their lives. I take it for granted that I could call them at anytime so I choose to do it later, and later, and later. The later it goes, the more akward it becomes to call. The relationships are congenial at best.
After reading Mike's comment, I feel guilty because I know that I don't innitate contact with anyone. Why don't I? I know the door swings both ways, but as Mike put it, if someone doesn't reciprocate, the feeling is that the other doesn't care. Is it true? Do the rest of us not really care? Even for parents, if they never call their children, it sends the message they don't care.
It's a hard answer to admit if your answer yes, but I don't necessarily think it make you a bad person. I think it's natural not to think about and care about something that's not a part of your daily, weekly, monthly, and for some of us even yearly life. It just means that you and I are missing out on something that can be wonderful and meaningful.....a closer family. Don't see how a closer relationship with your siblings can make a difference in your life? Does it sound like a lot of work? Are you afraid that, like Mike, no one will reciprocate? I am pretty sure all of the above questions apply to me. I do want to find out though. What a closer sibling relationship can do for me and what I can do for my siblings. I am pretty sure it can be wonderful.
I just need to push through the akwardness of the first few phone calls I make and the reciever needs to push through it too and soon it won't be strange anymore. I need to remember that my family doesn't care if I have great and exciting news to share. I need to remember that everyone just wants to feel like they are not forgoton and are cared about by the only people on the earth that really should.
Thanks Mike.
Anyway,
Don't have time to read all the responses now, but I read your original, Steph, and I really enjoyed it. I really appreciate your perspective on things. Your education and your experience gives you a unique look apart from what anyone else has to offer and I found it very very insightful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Steph. I feel bad because you are the one that I fail to contact. I shall remedy that. And I think people should not be afraid of calling because they don't have anything to say. Phone calls don't need to last more than a few minutes. The point of a call is not always to talk, but to show that you care. And that can be done by just calling, no matter how long. Liz's dad calls her almost every night just to say good night. It's that small effort that keeps us close to them and demonstrates that they care.
ReplyDeleteBut I think your question was important. Does anyone really care? I have often asked this because once in a while I will go on spurts where I don't call anyone, for weeks, just to see if my lack of calling is noticed. And it is not. So that makes me wonder if it actually matters. And if not, you're right, that's just fine. We don't see each other that often so I think it's natural pass of lack of communication as normal, but I have often wondered if that makes anyone else sad, like it does me, or if that's just how it is. If people really care. I know people care about each other, and think about each other, but do they really care of they are really close and talk frequently. Thoughts?
Mike- I think you put more effort into our family than everyone combined. You have never left any doubts in our minds that you care. We love it. You make us feel special. I'm sorry. We need to do better. -Hayley
ReplyDeleteIt's time for Mom to respond. You know how much you love your children, well Dad and I love you just as much. Your in our thoughts and prayers every day.
ReplyDeleteI think my sisters and I are very close but by your standards you may not think so. But I can tell you I would move heaven and earth to be there for them. We may not call each other only every other month but I know they would come to my side NOW if I needed them.
There are two kinds of people. Instigators and receivers. Poor Heather is always the one to call me and drag me somewhere. I rarely call her. I am a receiver. Not because I don't want to call but I simply don't think about it.
I can also tell you that communicating with adult children is also a dance with propriety. Are we being nosy? Are we calling at a bad time? Do they even want to talk? Each of you have your own set of criteria we try to remember. I know we don't call enough. We will try and do better.
We do love to Skype.
I feel that we need to be more understanding of siblings feelings and personalities as well as their needs.
I know for a fact though, as each one of you have proven it to me, If any of you were in need, your siblings would rally around you in a heart beat.
WE ARE A FAMILY AT THE VERY DEEPEST OF MEANINGS. Have no question of that. I am proud of you all, whether your an instigator or a receiver, just love each other. Mom
This is Alisha, on mom and dad's account. It has been great to read all of your comments! They have been enlightening and gives me great insight into your thoughts and views. I have realized that I need to do better but I also feel that I need to share that just because I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch does not mean that I don't want a relationship with you all or that I don't care. We are all at different stages in our lives, some more challenging than others. Sometimes it's all we can do to get through the day and keep our kids and ourselves alive. I think that we all need to be sensitive and aware that others may be in situations where they are trying their best just to stay afloat which means that it might be very difficult to focus on anything but what is going on right then. We need to be patient and understanding with each other. I'm pretty sure that we all love each other and want to be close and communicate better but we need to be sensitive to the possibility that someone may be having personal issues that they don't necessarily want to share with everyone. That does not mean that we shouldn't try to communicate with them but just means that we need to be there for them and show that we love them and are there for them especially through the hard times. Also for those who may be in difficult times we need to feel comfortable in the love of our family. We truly have an amazing family. You all know some of the challenges that I have faced and looking back I realize that it probably would have helped me to communicate with you to have a better support group, but when you go through stuff like that you don't exactly think straight. When I finally did communicate better I was amazed at the incredible siblings that I have. So many of you stepped in and helped me in so many ways and I will forever be grateful for you. I hope that you all know that I love you and look up to each of you. You have each blessed my life in different ways and I am grateful that Heavenly Father put us in a family together. I will do better at communicating with you all but please be patient with me, at least until school is out. Being a working mom is definitely challenging.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that we were blessed with the best kids ever. Thanks for all of your comments. It has been enlightening. Mom and I have made the commitment to call more often.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I come from a very close family, so I hope no one minds me adding my two cents. Part of the Rinkers' closeness I think just stems from how we were raised - moving around so often meant that our siblings were the only constant friends we had, and as such we grew closer to our family than to our friends, out of necessity more than anything. That basis has helped maintain the closeness even now that we're grown up and are scattered all across the country. I think it's also probably a little easier for us because we don't have "our own families" yet - it's just the four siblings, one in-law (Mike, who everyone loves - how could you not??), and my parents. Obviously maintaining closeness in a smaller group is slightly easier.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think it's still something that has to be worked on, and it's definitely still possible for a big family like the Beans to be close. I think there's a difference between love and closeness though, and having love for each other doesn't necessarily equate to closeness. It's like a married couple that's been together for years and years, who still love each other, but their marriage has become more of a pleasant coexistence than a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that per se - they still love each other and they're happy, but they're living two separate lives in parallel, rather than being completely involved and close. Now obviously in families, this is going to be slightly different - we HAVE to have our own lives. No one doubts that we all love each other and would be there in times of dire need. But I think that for closeness to happen, we do have to be involved in each other's lives as much as possible. Our lives need to intersect at various points, rather than just traveling along parallel to each other. And I think the frequency, duration, and depth of these intersections is a good indicator of closeness. Yes, we can call someone a couple times a year to say happy birthday, or congratulations on the new job, or sorry to hear your pet died. And that's a step towards being close. But I think if we can make our lives intersect more often and more meaningfully, we'll be that much closer. If we can be there for each other not just in times of dire need, but on regular days, I think THAT'S where closeness comes from. Closeness requires sacrifice, it's not supposed to be easy (if it were, it wouldn't be nearly as rewarding) - and obviously there are times when one or more of us won't be in a position to make that kind of sacrifice - and that's the whole point of relationships, to work to form that closeness, because that's where happiness comes from.
I love our family! I think Steph said it well, and I think that each of you have contributed to it. And as a side note, I feel like we have a great opportunity to start something new- COUSINS that are close. I will try to do better at staying in touch. Mike, you're awesome and amazing and I need to do so much better at contacting you personally. Really, I need to get better at talking with the BOYS.. I have to admit- with you boys, I kinda don't know when to call. I don't want to bother you at night when you're with your family, and you work during the day. BUT I LOVE YOU ALL LOTS- and as soon as we get to IF we'll figure out how to come visit you guys (cuz that's what I am better at!)
ReplyDeleteI know that me and Jeff have not been on the family's blog in quite some time, I personally did not make an effort - one: because my work does not allow it and that was when I usually would be on the family blog and two - this last semester was so time consuming that I had to focus only on school - poor Jeff didnt ever see me at times and there were times when I only saw him in the mornings - anyways , excuses I know - and i am sorry about that. Besides as of late, I've been more of a reader/stalker than an actual vocal person - like some people say, sometimes I dont feel like we have much to say, we dont have kids, and sometimes we dont feel like we have anything exciting going on - which is something i do need to change.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everyone has said on here, we all do need to make more of an effort. But I do want to say is that everyone is different to how they communicate - for example: Jeff. As most of you know, sometimes he's really hard to get a hold of. Its not that he doesnt love anyone, just sometimes he has to be in the mood. He loves to talk to his family, he really does I see it when he is on the phone. I know he wont voice his opinion on here, but I feel like I should for him - even though I dont understand him all the time. He sometimes is not much of a person who wants to chat very much - he will at times get annoyed with me - doesn't mean that he wont talk to me, just sometimes he wants to be left to his thoughts - and other times, he is extremely chatty and wants to talk to his family and share things. Sometimes Jeff and I are pretty selfish and don't think about calling people till its too late - or we are just so wrapped up in our own lives and we are used to doing our own things. Pretty selfish, I know and am sorry about - we do need to make more of an effort - I know its part of our laziness.
Jeff feels that we are a close family - he may not always be in communication with everyone every day or every single week, but he enjoys playing Magic with his brothers - can I tell you how much he really enjoys that?!!! he was sooo excited to be able to do that! Its something that he looks forward to every Saturday. I've noticed that he doesn't always talk - sorry guys - but he does enjoy it VERY MUCH! he may not say that he does, but truly that is something he looks forward to!
He looks forward to Stephani's texts with pictures of her girls or things that they do together, he made sure that I included Jen and Blair in our prayers when they were making efforts on getting a new job, we constantly talk about how excited we are for the family trips or reunions and Jeff gets excited how he will be able to spend time with everyone and fun things that he wants to do or ideas that he has to contribute.
But for Jeff, it is a little different on how he feels that he needs to communicate with everyone - he feels satisfied with how close he is with everyone - and it is very different for me to understand - like Liz, I am very close with my siblings and even with my cousins and aunts and uncles - it is VERY weird for me that he doesn't know any of his cousins very well. It’s okay, I believe as long as you are close with your siblings, that's what really matters is making relationships with your own brothers, sisters and parents.
But - what I'm trying to say is that everyone is different. I know Jeff is quite difficult to get a hold of or to talk to him - but I want everyone to know how much he truly loves and cares for you all. And I'm sorry that i have to be the one to say something in his behalf, but you all kinda know him, sometimes he doesn't feel like putting in his own opinion, but in this case, I think he feels that he is very close to his siblings, especially when he gets soooo excited about having family trips together or the reunions, or when people stop by to see us.
one more thing that I couldnt fit in the above text:
ReplyDeleteI feel so loved by this family. This family is so caring and the love is so deep for one another. I have always felt like I am a huge part of this family, and I thank you all so much for how much you care for me. I love the fact that i can invite my mom and siblings over to the Beans and that you dont mind that I have them, i cannot tell you how much that means to me so I can have the best of my two worlds at the same time! Not only that, when things have happened to my family, like when my uncle got into the accident, everyone was concerned - kept my family in their prayers and took care other family members who needed a place to stay or comfort - Oh I love this family so much and I am SO blessed to be a part of it! Sorry I just had to let you know how grateful I am for you ALL, and I know that I am loved and a big part of this family, THANK YOU! I have to say this is one of the most loving and caring family - and I am glad to be a part of it!
I hope you all know that we love you so very much, and we are so blessed to have such sweet, kind and loving family - thank you all for being such support to me and Jeff. I do recognize that we too, need to make more of an effort, and now that I'm out of school - i can breathe a little and make more of an effort! :o) Love you all!